Merry almost Christmas.
How about we just buy each other lumps of coal this year and call it a day?
Sure. Just as long as it’s under ten dollars,
and you can’t get it from the gift shop!
Merry almost Christmas.
Feels weird to think about presents.
After what happened.
I can still smell the smoke in my hair.
- You haven’t washed your hair all week? - Of course I have.
It’s more of a sense memory, from the trauma.
- Yeah, that's hard to get out. - Know what I want for Christmas?
People to stop talking about the fire like it was targeting them.
Acting like it’s some big surprise to find bigots in Vegas.
I hope your Secret Santa gets you... that.
Or maybe a gift that, it's really thoughtful and cheers you up
and reminds you that there's still some good and beauty in humanity.
- Jesus, Carmen. You running for office? - No.
I just really, really love Christmas.
Ruth.
Aw, man. I got myself.
Oh, you can have mine. I got Cherry.
Ruth! It is supposed to be a secret. "Secret" Santa.
Sorry.
I still can’t believe I missed your performance.
It sounds like the only good thing about that night
was how incredible you were.
Thanks.
Though I think True West would have gone over better.
How did it feel to be up there doing exactly what you wanted to be doing?
And...
be good at it?
It was the best feeling I’ve had in my life.
Until the hate crime.
You have no control as an actor.
You can drive 300 miles
to audition for people you know
and still not get the part. Or any part, ever.
Which, you know, I mean, I can never say to Ruth,
because I know she won’t be able to hear it.
Well, right.
That’s why you’re a smart cookie for getting into the other side of things
while the getting's good.
Which tie?
The... I mean... They... Well... They're the same tie.
- Oh, God. How dare you? - They're the same tie.
Man, I’m getting tired of these negotiations.
That guy's like Jimmy Stewart without any of the charm.
He keeps asking all these personal questions.
I think he’s just stalling for time,
so he can try to squeeze me for more money.
Hmm. Maybe he’s hesitating 'cause he knows you’re underbidding.
- Says who? - Says me, Tex.
- I looked over those deal terms. - It's...
You definitely undervalued some of his assets.
Oh, I didn’t realize you were snooping.
Well, I'm paying attention.
I mean, if I’m gonna be your partner, shouldn’t I at least know what’s going on?
You’re my girlfriend, not my partner.
Well, I was just trying to help.
Yeah, well, and you did.
I mean, those dinners would've been unbearable without you.
So, I’m here to look pretty and make...
...make dinners less awful?
Well, I mean, you do both of those things so well.
Look, you understand that my work can get ugly and ruthless.
And that I can get ugly and ruthless.
And I don’t want my girlfriend, or...
my future wife, if that's where this is headed,
near any of that.
I also had a long talk with our stage manager
about ramp safety protocol.
- He suggests we get an expert... - I... I... I'm sorry. Can we, um...
There’s a... a man standing at the bar, and I don’t want to make a scene,
but I... I need you to fire him, immediately.
- Did something happen? - No.
Yeah, well, there was an incident, but I, uh, don't want to go into details.
- Which man are we talking about? - Uh...
Joe. Uh, he's standing in a suit.
I don't know. Maybe it’s his day off. He works in maintenance.
Oh, you mean Paul. The gigolo.
No, not Paul the...
Paul doesn’t work for us, but, uh...
I’m happy to coax him over to Coconuts.
- I’m sure he’s just as popular there. - No, uh...
I... I must have made a mistake. It's the lighting here.
Uh, would you excuse me?
Is Carmen around?
No. She's out.
I mean, well... Is... Is it cool if I hang here for a bit?
Or, like, a week?
I wish they had Advent calendars for all the months.
Do you wanna talk about it?
No, not really.
Remember when we did that match and some guy threw a beer can at me?
Yeah, ‘cause it hit me in the face.
Right.
Afterwards, I was so freaked out.
No one had ever hated me that much before.
And I wanted to run away
and never put on that stupid costume ever again.
But when the fire happened,
and I saw all those words...
and that hate...
it just made me... mad.
Like,
my face got hot and I...
My hands started shaking. And...
I wanted to scream or break something or run to Yolanda.
But...
I didn’t do anything.
I just stood there.
♪ O Christmas tree ♪
♪ Thy leaves are so unchanging ♪
♪ O Christmas tree ♪
♪ O Christmas tree... ♪
What do you think about A Christmas Carol?
A Christmas Carol?
I think it’s a classic.
It’s the first play I ever did.
I got to play Tiny Tim.
Well, I think we should do it. In the ring.
Um...
Okay, the fact that I have to convince you of all people is crazy.
Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do,
with this, with the Secret Santa, but... some of us could use a break this year.
You mean from Christmas?
We only have one show left before the break.
Let’s just get through it so that we can all go home and recharge
before we have to come back for a whole other year
of doing the same show over and over again.
You picked me for your Secret Santa, right?
- Yeah. - Well, this is what I want for Christmas.
Merry Christmas?
Out with Merry Christmas!
Bah humbug!
Where the fuck is...
Gentle, spoiled little brats...
Wow. The woman with 40 million dollars is playing Bob Cratchit?
It was my idea, 'cause I'm British and I'm nice.
So, I’m looking for your husband, who's playing my son.
I don’t know where he is.
- Well, he’s not in the showroom and... - I don't know, okay?
He said he wanted space, so I gave it to him.
- Where is your costume? Get dressed. - Go away.
Wha... Nope. I don’t even want to know why you’re so drunk
that you can’t even put on a pair of fucking kiddie pajamas for...
for a Christmas show that you obviously, again,
did not need my approval for. Here.
No. I'm not going.
Fine. I mean, Bash, you can wear your own clothes.
I don’t care. I just... I need a scene partner for an hour,
and then you can come back up here, and you can drown in your own vomit.
Come on.
Right now.
Come on!
What is happ...
Wow. You are fucking pathetic.
She watched me kiss him.
And she watched me touch him.
Joe, Paul. Whatever.
And I thought, you know...
I mean, maybe it'd be okay ‘cause Rhonda was there, too. You know.
But it was so much worse...
'cause I liked it.
I liked it so much.
And she watched me like it.
I’ll do it again. I mean, I know I'll do it again.
If we stay here and...
Now everyone knows. I mean, the whole fucking casino.
You know?
Everyone.
We bought a house here.
We bought a fucking house.
And there’s the show. Two shows.
I can't...
My mom...
I mean, I’ll lose everything, you know. And...
I can't. I can't.
Bash, maybe you can.
Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
I mean, you...
Look at Liberace.
I mean, he’s probably slept with more valets than I have,
and he seems to be... doin' okay.
No. No.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Bash, I mean...
tell me what you want to do.
I want to stay married to Rhonda.
And I want to be the son my mom wants me to be.
I don’t want to die.
Just tell me what to do, okay?
I'll do anything.
Who...
Who are you?
In life, I was your partner,
Jacob Marley.
You look terrible.
I have spent the past seven years
being tortured by guilt.
Replaying my life’s mistakes
over and over and over and over and over again.
But the seller is questioning the morals of the buyer.
Who’s the buyer?
It doesn’t matter. It’s a steal.
Eleven mil. It covers the call sign, the airwaves, and the infrastructure.
The only thing is the seller wants to close
by the end of the year, which... which I... I think he will
to the married son of a prominent conservative family.
I'm sorry. You want... You want me to buy a TV network?
Tonight,
you will be visited by three more ghosts!
Listen to them.
Or else!
Pfft!
Oh, bah humbug to that!
What even was that? Man in sky.
You said you wanted to leave Vegas.
May as well ride back into LA with something to show for it.
- Jesus fucking Christ. - Is that an earthquake?
"That night, as Scrooge lay in bed,
he tried to ignore what had happened.
'Maybe it was a hallucination, ' he thought.
'Or a piece of undigested beef.'
Then, as he finally fell asleep,
a strong wind blew open the windows...
And as the clock struck one,
his first guest arrived."
Who, Mother?
Shh! Listen, and you’ll see.
- How'd I do? - Okay.
Boo!
Who are you?
It’s us! The Ghosts of Christmas Past!
Ha!
Oh, I beg you, let me sleep!
Fat chance! I haven’t slept in centuries!
We’re goin' for a ride!
No. No, no! You can’t make me! No!
Ha!
Take that, Scrooge.
Let's go on a trip down memory lane!
Good idea.
You're comin' with us, whether you like it or not.
You really have a good head for this stuff.
Runs in the family.
Sell your house now at the top of the market, you’ll actually make money.
- How much did you sink into Rhapsody? - Two and a half million.
Oh, my God. Bash, why would you... That's... That's...
- You can get that back. - Okay.
Then, all we'd need to hit profitability is a valuable asset,
like, um, when Ted Turner bought the Atlanta Braves
- to provide programming for WTCG. - How do you know all this?
I’ve been attending a lot of business dinners lately
where no one thinks I understand anything that they’re talking about.
Okay. Okay, I gotta finish this coffee
and I gotta get more coffee and then... I gotta start making phone calls.
Yes, yes, yes! Yes, exactly. Yep. We need to move fast. What's... Okay.
- Okay. Here we go. - Nope, nope!
- We're in the middle of the show. - We're in the middle of the show.
Oh, is Bob Cratchit,
a depressing, impoverished man who work for me.
But... who is that little cripple?
His son, Tiny Tim.
A kind boy with a mysterious leg illness.
Let’s be happy for what we have.
And pray for Mr. Scrooge.
Yes, Father.
What? How can they be happy? They have nothing.
They chomp on little bone.
♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪
♪ Peace on earth... ♪
Spirit?
Where have you gone?
Don’t leave me.
When is the third ghost coming?
I think she wants to show you somethin'!
What?
My poor, tiny boy.
He was as good as gold.
Teenie Tim?
He's dead?
What kind of Christmas story is this?
Whose grave is that?
Why, it’s yours.
What?
But I’m still young!
This cannot be. No! No! No!
I have much to accomplish still. I can’t!
Sorry, but your time is up, Scrooge.
Oh!
Please!
Let me live a little longer.
No! I banish you, spirit.
I banish you, I said.
So, stop coming at me.
Okay.
You want a piece of Scroogey?
♪ She looks around ♪
♪ There are snowflakes on the ground ♪
No!
♪ Here comes another lonely Christmas ♪
♪ Stars in the night ♪
♪ There is one there shining bright ♪
♪ Shining bright for me This lonely Christmas ♪
♪ And I wanted to say to you ♪
♪ How much I want to be with you ♪
♪ I wanted to say to you ♪
♪ How much I needed to be with you ♪
♪ Christmastime comes once a year ♪
♪ She knows this time, he won't be near ♪
♪ She phones her mum ♪
♪ Says this time, she cannot come ♪
♪ "Don't worry I'm with friends this Christmas" ♪
♪ Dad gets upset ♪
♪ But in time, he soon forgets ♪
♪ Here comes another lonely Christmas ♪
♪ And I wanted to say to you ♪
♪ How much I want to be with you ♪
♪ I wanted to say to you ♪
♪ How much I need to be with you ♪
♪ Christmastime comes once a year ♪
♪ She knows this time, he won't be near ♪
Ah!
Boy!
What day is it?
Why, Christmas Day, sir!
I’m not dead!
And you’re not dead!
And we haven’t missed Christmas at all!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Today, I defect from Communist Russia
and join in glorious American celebration!
I will live in past, present, and future!
Me too!
Teenie Tim, you're alive!
God bless us, every one!
Yes!
Thank you for joining us at the GLOW Christmas Spectacular.
Hope you learned a thing or two.
I know I have.
Hey, before you head back into that there casino,
we’d like you to join us in a song.
From our family... to yours.
- Hey, Timmy. - Help!
♪ I’m dreaming of a white Christmas ♪
♪ Just like the ones I used to know ♪
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
♪ And children listen ♪
♪ To hear sleigh bells in the snow ♪
Everybody now!
♪ I'm dreaming of a White Christmas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪
- ♪ May your days... ♪ - Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
It's Keith!
I was your Secret Santa. I figured this is what you wanted.
Thank you.
- Are you kidding me? - Oh!
Hot damn, it's good to see you.
See?
All we needed was music, a little snow, and a hot black Santa.
It’s fucking Christmas now, baby.
Are those Hanukkah underpants?
Yes. My mom gets me a new pair every year for the first night.
Okay, jingle bells.
Okay, okay. Time to exchange presents.
- What? - You are a miracle.
Really, Carmen.
You’re the heart and soul of this team.
It’s not me.
People love Christmas.
Thank you for my Christmas present.
That match was the most fun I’ve had all year.
Right?
- Are you going back to LA for Christmas? - No.
Omaha, to see my parents.
Well, I have to fly through Denver. There’s nothing direct.
So, Denver, then home. But now, thanks to you,
I'm... I'm... honestly looking forward to seeing the snow.
- Are you guys drinking already? - Yeah!
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells! ♪
You gonna keep this on?
Look, I know how you feel about Santa Claus.
That was a lot of tongue.
I mean, you was all... ton-tonsils.
- You too. - Up in here. I mean, you know. It's true.
I’m just not sure where we’re at.
Well...
you walked out of the room and left town.
So, how about you tell me where you’re at?
I was angry.
And I needed to get angry.
But all this time apart, all I thought about was you.
That’s my country song.
But I should tell you, I did meet a woman.
Oh, God.
You met someone?
I met a woman about adoption.
Just got some basic information,
but she thinks we might be good candidates.
So you wouldn’t have to stop working.
You wouldn’t have to give up your body.
I could stay home with the baby.
Ah, it’s another way to go. If we want.
Well, Sebastian, we were shocked when we looked into this property.
It’s a viable play, room for growth. How’d you find this?
Debbie Eagan, my, uh, producing partner. She brought it to me.
It’s my boyfriend’s deal.
We're, uh, swooping in
- and pulling it out from under him. - We are?
Yes, we are.
Jesus. Remind me not to date you.
You’re not gonna have time to date me, Allen.
You'll be so busy sewing this up before the end of the year.
Sor-Sorry to ruin your Christmas.
- It's Marty. - This is Marty. And this deal is so good,
you can ruin any holiday you want.
Allen again. If we’re gonna move this fast, we need to keep this quiet,
so not a word to anyone until we’ve signed on the dotted line.
Of course. We’re great at keeping secrets.
This gonna ruin your relationship?
Uh, yeah.
Ruin is probably putting it mildly.
So, I'm gonna need some assurances.
Understood. Just tell me what you want.
Thank you, Melrose. You can never have too many bongs.
Well, you can never have too many bongs.
Oh, my God!
All right. This next one is for Tammé.
Ooh!
- And it's from... - Me. Me. It's from me.
- What's it say? - "Hot Tub Club"!
Hot Tub Club!
You gon' make me cry.
- No, it's supposed to be funny. - It is!
- It is. Thank you. - Okay.
No problem.
All right. This next one is for Arthie.
And it's from...
Me, me, me, me, me!
I'm gay.
Uh...
Yeah, we know.
Well, I needed to say it out loud.
And I should have said it sooner.
I'm sorry.
Open your present.
What is it?
Bobby said that rainbows are the symbol for gay pride. Um...
Aw!
Yeah, Arth!
Thank you.
I, um...
also got you a Playboy.
Arthie!
Oh!
Show me everything.
- Go to the center, it's the best part. - Fuck, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, show me them titties!
How? I don't understand.
- What don't you understand? - What don't you understand?
Hi. What'd I miss?
Everyone’s taking a really long time opening presents.
- Ah. - Who’s your Secret Santa?
Um, Jenny.
Oh! Oh, shit.
I didn't get her anything.
What's so... Why are you so happy?
What? Can't a girl love Christmas?
Hey.
That was fun. Doing A Christmas Carol.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought so too.
I'm... I'm sorry I lied to you about Paul.
I didn’t mean to.
I wanted to keep you interested, and then everything just kinda happened.
- Yeah, we... You don't need to go into it. - No, I... I do. I want to.
I was playing Bob Cratchit,
and, uh, I know it sounds stupid,
but I was... I was thinking about Christmas,
and being a good person. And, um...
I don’t want to be the kind of person that needs to trick people. Ever.
I wanna be honest, especially with you.
Me too.
And I'm sorry that I've been so... d-distant and... and... and weird and...
I think it's this place.
And I want you to know that I know exactly what I want.
I want you. I want just you.
And I want to go home.
I want us to go back to LA.
Okay?
Okay.
And I want us to start a family.
Good lord, ladies. Who died?
Rhapsody...
closes...
in two weeks.
Bash pulled all of his money out.
He has a new investment opportunity.
Of course he does. Asshole.
I should've... ...known better than to get sentimental.
Especially in this goddamn town.
It will demolish you.
I feel sick.
I don't think... I don't think I can fire anybody else today.
- How many more to go? - Fifty.
Two shots of tequila.
So... does this mean the big room’s available?
I’ll sit there while you fire the rest of 'em.
You can hand out the tissue.
Fuck 'em.
♪ Merry, Merry Christmas, Christmas In the air ♪
♪ Every lovely... ♪
The food still hasn’t come?
Nope. I’m fuckin' starving.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Aw, Come on.
- I thought we said no presents. - That was for real?
Oh, great.
Nice. I can wear that...
at my next court appearance.
- It's for set. - Thank you.
Open it.
Hmm.
You...
want to adopt me?
Yeah.
- I think I’m a little old for that. - I know how old you are.
All right? I... I talked to Rosalie already.
It's about inheritance, all right?
I'm not on your birth certificate, so legally, I'm not your father,
but I am your father. So this will make it official,
and then you can inherit all the good shit.
You know, when I die, which, you know, might be sooner than we think.
You got a pen?
Yeah.
How's that feel... to be...
officially my daughter?
Hmm, about the same.
All right.
♪ Oh, there's no place like home For the holidays ♪
♪ For no matter How far away you roam... ♪
Delayed. Of course.
I’m gonna go to the bar and drown my fear of flying in a bottle of Merlot.
See you losers in '87.
My parents are both picking me up from the airport.
Are they gonna recognize you?
It’ll be fine. I’m gonna hold up a sign with both their names on it.
Have fun in Omaha.
Gate B7.
I’m B5. Redwood National Park, here I come!
Where is the arrivals board? I have to meet Ernest at his gate.
Oh, arrivals are upstairs.
- Oh. - Let's go together.
Hey, you wanna play slots for ten minutes before we board?
- For old times' sake? - I thought you’d never ask.
So, you gonna wear that all the time now?
Yes, I am. I'm part of the community now, and I'm ready to fight.
It's like I taught you nothing.
- Hey, wait up. - You on my flight to LA?
Um,
I'm actually not going back to LA. I'm gonna meet up with Kurt in Phoenix.
- Oh, that'll be nice. - Hey.
Um...
Look...
thank you for giving me a job, but, um...
I wanna wrestle.
And I can't do that here anymore,
so I'm gonna join up with Kurt on the road.
No, Carmen. Don't quit.
Don't... Don't make any decisions right now.
If you can, just... sit tight.
We're gonna have some new opportunities to offer you.
Like what?
It's... Oh, my God. I can't talk about it right now,
- but Bash and I... - Debbie.
Please don't make this any harder than it actually is.
I didn't tell the girls 'cause I didn't want to ruin Christmas.
What the... Uh...
- I can't believe she just did that. - I know, that was so stupid.
Really?
I thought it was kind of brave.
Oh, shit. My flight is boarding.
No, it just said it was delayed. I gotta go.
I can't miss my connecting flight.
♪ From Pennsylvania Folks are travelin' down ♪
♪ To Dixie's sunny shore... ♪
Ruth.
- Ruth! - ♪ Gee, the traffic is terrific ♪
♪ Oh, there's no place Like home for the holidays ♪
Ruth!
♪ 'Cause no matter ♪
- ♪ How far away you roam ♪ - Ruth!
Ruth!
♪ If you want to be happy In a million ways ♪
♪ For the holidays ♪
- ♪ You can't beat home sweet home ♪ - Ruth!
- ♪ For the holidays ♪ - Ruth!
- ♪ You can't beat home sweet home... ♪ - Ruth! Ruth!
What is wrong with you? You didn't hear me yelling your name?
- No. What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. It's...
B-Bash is buying a TV network, and I'm gonna be the president.
And we're gonna program a new wrestling show
with new characters because, you know, we...
we have no legal rights to the old ones. And... And... And I want...
you to direct it.
Debbie,
- how did you... - Tex had a deal,
and I fucking stole it. And I brought it to Bash, and it worked.
I mean, it fucking worked.
And I... I... I'm going to build us an Eden.
Where we run the show. You and me.
No more auditions, no more being at the mercy of these fucking idiots.
We’ll call the shots.
And... you want me to... direct?
If being an actor was gonna happen for you, it would've happened by now.
How many times are you gonna break your own heart?
You don't have to stay in Vegas.
You don't have to keep auditioning for people who don't... want you.
Because I found us an off-ramp that's also...
God, it's a fucking catapult into our future!
So I wanted to just tell you that. And that...
And Merry Christmas.
That’s your catapult.
Not mine.
Oh, Jesus. Just say thank you.
I don’t want what you want.
You don’t want to be happy?
Successful? Uh, powerful?
I don’t want an off-ramp.
I never even got on the road.
- So, what are you gonna do? You're gonna... - ...read plays with Sheila?
Come on, Ruth. Make a move!
Ma’am?
Excuse me, are you boarding this flight?
Sorry, we're just in the middle of something.
We’ll be closing the door to the Jetway.
I’m coming.
What are you... I don't understand you.
Yes, you do.
Probably better than anyone.
Don't...
♪ Should old acquaintance ♪
♪ Be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to mind? ♪
♪ Should old acquaintance ♪
♪ Be forgot ♪
♪ In days of auld lang syne? ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
♪ We'll take a cup ♪
♪ Of kindness yet ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
♪ We'll take a cup ♪
♪ Of kindness yet ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪